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This Week in SCOHA - March 29th, 2020

SUNDAY EDITION


SCOHA 2019/2020

Well it's SCOHA Sunday and the rain has stopped. Half of us are still in our pj's still from Friday night and we have watched all of Netflix. I started watching some Ozark show, I thought that was the name of the Buffalo Sabres backup goalie. Highlight of the weekend was listening for the tune my dryer makes when the load is dry.

There has been an uptick of Scoha players arguing amongst themselves and starting tense conversations lately. We urge those in question to find better ways to accommodate their time. Arts & Crafts, puzzles, and chasing your cat around with laser pointers are just a few ways to pass time.

Masters Kings Gary Guthro got out the pots and pans to cheer on the healthcare workers but his neighbours started yelling at him to keep it down. It was 3:30 in the damn morning, Gary!!!

A buddy of mine told me the term "flattening the curve" reminds him of the plastic street hockey blade we used on our sticks. You would warm it up over the stove element to make a hook like Tim Hunter's nose. There was always one guy in the game who would take a slap shot and the blade would fly off. Most likely Wayne Sliwinski trying to score from half. Nice safe times! This Heritage moment brought to you by Topps hockey cards. Wonder how many Scoha goalies made their own sponge pads for the street and a blocker out of a shoebox lid.

Guy Shaver apparently forgot his favourite snoopy blanket at the rink after his 14-day “corn-teen” campout so if anyone sees it, please return it ASAP, he can’t sleep without it. A gofundme page will be set up on his behalf in case no one finds it.

Nickheathsport on twitter is an England rugby announcer that is making videos of everyday life and adding his intense rugby commentary voice to them. Give him a follow it will lighten your day during these dark times....

On the league front, no news as of yet. A quick back of the envelope calculation is that we have ample time to finish things off, it’s just a matter of when the city opens up the doors. But when we do return, I wonder if the 6 foot distancing rule will be in effect out on the ice. Also, a few players are wondering if Mary up at the bar is honouring social distancing at home and if she will be off for a year starting December. We will have to wait and see lol.

Have a great week, fellow Scohaians, as we forge ahead... Question of the week: Did you wear Cooperalls, ever? And is that sub shop still open across from the old Barton Doublerinks? Best super assorted in the world…

Chris Marttila

This Week in SCOHA – March 24th, 2020

Circling the Drain Edition


SCOHA 2019/2020

Speaking of flattening the plank, Intermediate Flyers captain Dave Wichman took to social media this afternoon to scold his teammates for eating doughnuts. This non-essential snack seemed to get under Wichman’s skin as he tries to keep his club ready for the continuation of the Scoha playoffs, if there is one. Apparently the States will be 100% up and running by Easter weekend so the world will be perfect again. Speaking of perfect again, our cub reporter Guy Shaver, who has been camped out at the arena since this whole Corona thing started, has asked to go home. I just left the rink and Guy just finished packing up his Coleman stove and is heading home. He said he was looking forward to drawing a bath then relaxing for a few days. He said a bat scared him last night. He stood on his folding chair and tried to shoo it away with his 6ft. hockey stick he used for social distancing. We thank Guy for braving the elements on behalf of the league. One hell of a Guy.

At any rate, SCOHA is still tucked away until further notice. Masters Sharks goalie Brian Deanes is keeping his eye/hand coordination in check by catching flies with a pair of chopsticks. I am literally holding a paper towel on my ear to stop the bleeding as I got too close with my razor while I type with my right hand.

As you know, the tournament is canceled. Rumour has it, one of the U.S. teams were stacked with ex-nhl-ers like Pat LaFontaine, Mike Modano, Brett Hull and goaltender Mike Richter so no other team stood a chance anyway, so there!

Well this update is short and sweet, to the point. Have a great rest of the week, gang…

Chris Marttila

This Week in SCOHA – March 21st, 2020

PHYSICAL DISTANCING EDITION (formerly social distancing, formerly get the F away from me, you creep.)


SCOHA 2019/2020

Now that 10% of us have hit rock bottom and have started doing puzzles, it’s time for an update on what we believe many of you are up to as we crawl through this pandemic salivating for the smell of Zamboni fumes and Joe Lociccero’s Rub A535 knee ointment. Oh, and don’t worry, we will have a Guy Shaver update…

League is at more of a standstill than a concrete fence post. The whole shebang is chained up as there is no light at the end of the tunnel any time soon. Players are growing beards just because. Masters division grit-grinder Ed Walton is going to grow a covid beard starting next week. He will give the ZZ Top beards a run for their money… Stars Chris Barratto is learning quilting after the magnets wore out on his electronic dart board.

Injury Updates: Players are healing well during these bleak times. Masters Dave Armstrong’s previous bad ankle is now stronger than the good one. When we return, he will be the fastest at skating in a left direction. At last count, 56 players groins are now feeling about 85% thanks to the layoff. Intermediate Penguins Bob Tenison’s shoulder is feeling better by the day. He is throwing paper airplanes with no discomfort but can only fly them in one room, not into another until Trudeau lifts the ban. Junior division Pens fill-in Glenn Rouse is practicing his breakaways on his driveway but his cat keeps taking the tennis ball away from him.

Meanwhile, a lot of players are taking the time off to work at returning a better player. Masters Sharks hero and exercise enthusiast Larry Litzgus suggests 15 toe touches and side twists to burn off the Taco Bell triple decker burritos we believe many are inhaling while binge watching all 40 seasons of Survivor before things get back to normal.

As promised, here is the Guy Shaver arena parking lot update brought to you by Coleman stoves. Too bad he got all the way there but forgot the gas cylinder. Guy is hanging in there. The hourly bus driver has stopped opening the front door to say hi but has decided a safer head nod hello will suffice. Guy has been keeping busy with sidewalk chalk art. Things were going great until it heavy downpours wiped away about 34 buildings he had drawn. 12 people also drowned in the whitewash, 4 are barely still there but it doesn’t look good. Guy is crushing Michelob Ultradaddies to stay in shape. Hourly wind sprints and waving to fellow Scoha passerby’s are keeping his arms in tip top strength. 

So there you have it, gang. Nothing really happening. Some players still haven’t aired out their gear since last game so there’s a chore you and your wife will appreciate. My cat Nuffers sneezed the other night so she is in isolation until April 3rd if anyone gives a care on how she is doing.

Hope everyone is finding something to do. Sportsnet is showing a few hockey movies starting at 7pm tonight, 7pm is Mr. Hockey, the Gordie Howe Story and at 9pm Goalie: The Story of Terry Sawchuk.

Hey, it’s something….

Chris Marttila

This Week in SCOHA – March 18th, 2020

LOCKOUT UPDATE


SCOHA 2019/2020

Well we all have hope the season will finish but from this end of the ice, it doesn’t look good. More cases than Budweiser has ever seen, people travelling here while infected with the coronies, who know’s what will happen next. My cat Nuffers sneezed the other night, we put her in quarantine for 8 minutes, good luck trying to get a mask on her. Anyways, trying to predict when we will play again is like trying to row a kayak in a hurricane.

Good thing we have Guy Shaver reporting in from the rink parking lot. Highlight of his day is when the bus pulls into the arena parking lot once an hour. Each time it stops, there’s a few less riders for him to wave at. Guy says nothing’s happening at the quad pad. He wonders if the ice is melting in there. He found a tennis ball in the garden which means hours of fun keeping in shape after all the McDonald’s Shamrock milkshakes he consumed over the past 4 days. We will check back in on Guy in a few days as he continues to camp out during our lockout… 

Good news is that the complete playoff run by the Raptors last year will be replayed every night starting on March 20th rotating on tsn and Sportsnet each night. At least it’s something, fellas.

Other than that, things are pretty dry in Scohaville, players are snapping at the smallest thing, we are all gaining weight at the same time so it won’t be a disadvantage for anyone when games resume. League President Terry Gudgeon remains optimistic but we will await word from him. Expect an announcement soon regarding the tournament..

Stay safe, folks, we will chat soon.
Chris Marttila

This Week in SCOHA – March 15th, 2020

SPECIAL PANDEMIC EDITION


SCOHA 2019/2020

For the many fans that showed up to watch the Junior Division games Friday night, you left the rink wondering if there will be any more hockey for a while. Sure enough, the city pulled the plug on our playoffs by shutting arenas and all other rec centres. Now we have to binge-watch 8 seasons of whatever the hell it’s called until the arena lights go on again. Never mind asking if your buddy left the fan on, we all need to make sure the hands are washed so we don’t spread the coronies off to another person. Anyways, let’s look at Friday’s action on a night where all teams skated their legs into the ground. On Saturday morning, here wasn’t a thigh without rub a535 on it from what I’ve been hearing. Oh, and my game sheets are in lockdown in the locker at the rink so bear with me for this blog…

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This Week in SCOHA – March 11th, 2020

Unpeel the Onion


SCOHA 2019/2020

The playoffs are starting to separate the men from the boys as the round robin games are winding down. Some teams already have the golfclubs shined up while others are reaching their potential last game of the season. There are no Intermediate or Master’s games this weekend so the days will go by slower than a snail climbing a fence until next Sunday. It's good to hear injured players are doing ok, thanks for updating us, we all care...

Let’s unpeel the onion from the week that was in the booming metropolis of Scohaville.

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This Week in SCOHA – March 2nd, 2020

Eating breakfast at the international house of panic


SCOHA 2019/2020

Record crowds came out this past weekend for some good ol’ SCOHA playoff hockey. Fans didn’t leave disappointed as several teams amped things up to stay in the hunt for the cup while the usual dominating teams are now eating breakfast at the international house of panic. Let’s get right to business and recap the action that was.

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This Week in SCOHA – February 19th, 2020

Shoveling sand at the swim-up bar


SCOHA 2019/2020

For the Masters Division, the 2nd season starts this weekend. The other 2 divisions wrap up regular play this weekend to solidify their positions in the standings. I will be busy shoveling sand for a week in the sun but will anxiously await the results poolside…. Let’s unpeel the onion from last weeks action down at the Mohawk Quad so we can all get a good night’s sleep tonight.

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This Week in SCOHA – February 11th, 2020

Crawling from the Wreckage


SCOHA 2019/2020

Well, several teams have pushed all their chips into the middle and are ready for playoff action while some teams are still trying to shake the rust off from the summer. It’s still early…
Let’s sort through the wreckage from last week’s action down at the ol’ Scoha Olympia. Warning: Some items up for discussion may cause nausea, nosebleeds, and explosive diarh… you get the idea.

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