This Week in SCOHA – March 7th, 2021

First off, stick taps for Walter Gretzky, our country’s official hockey dad. He will be sadly missed throughout every hockey community. I guess that makes Don Cherry Canada’s official grumpy uncle? Can’t say Wally ever made the drive to take in a SCOHA game but guarantee he wouldn’t have left without signing autographs for the 3 fans in the rink that night.
Anyways, the snow is melting and our shoes are still wet from the news of the SCOHA season getting canceled. The thoughts of trying to do a puzzle with a curious cat in the house makes me want a double scotch on the rocks, with ice in it. I’ve been binge-watching Homeland on Netflix. Really good show if you are looking for something new to pass the time. 
I haven’t heard boo from the players lately but caught wind of a few off-season antics some of you have been up to since we last spoke. Chris “Get Off My Lawn” Barratto has been working out vigorously during the lockout and recently took advantage of the 50lb potato 3 bag limit sale at No Frills. He’s packed on a lot of muscle, now handles the puck like a hearty and straightforward cigar. The league has always respected his style of play and we will continue to see a spike in cases of awe is his puck pursuit. There’s no masking the fact that Barratto is solidifying his spot in the SCOHA record books. He has recently furloughed his regular pop and chip nights in favour of celery sticks and grapes.
Meanwhile, over in the Masters Division, Yves “No Miss” Bisson adds a cool wrinkle to the fold with his relentless work ethic on and off the ice. Reminds us of a vintage 2013 Cab Sauv, medium-bodied and saucy but racy acidity that stabilizes nicely with his robust tannins. A credible source tells me that Yves enlisted in the John Savidis core strength conditioning class so he can help bring in the beer and ice into the dressing room without the use of a wheely cooler.
Can we talk about Junior division stalwart Roman Bratovz? “Wurst” nights are trying to score a goal on this guy for crying out loud. Gets the “kraut” on their feet with tantalizing saves night in and night out, and even adds a bit of mustard for show, no napkin necessary, Roman has things under control, put a bun in it!
What else…. Oilers drafted Novak “Take it on the” Dojcinovic (not the tennis player) with a diamond in the rough pick. This guy tastes the gas first before he puts it in his car. While other player’s bodies will look like a McDonalds hash brown when we get back at it, Novak will be 8 steps ahead of the rest. You heard it here first, fellas.
Broke out my Viewmaster to try and see across Eastmount Park at the outdoor rink last weekend. Sure enough, it was in fact Dave Armstrong out for a twirl shooting spicy beef bombs against an unwilling goaltender for an hour or so. Dave has sauteed any repercussions of an ankle injury and by the looks of a few goals he scored, he is as close to 100% as he will ever be. After one remarkable goal top left corner, I yelled across the field at Dave and asked if the goalie signed up for the 15% warranty on that roof job. He didn’t hear me and carried on.
At any rate, when we do return to play, things will be rusty, not gonna lie. We’ve all been planting fart bombs into our couches for over a year now waiting for the go-ahead to lace em’ up again. We will ease our toes into the water when the time comes and make this league great again. Hope everyone is keeping safe, see you all soon!

Chris Marttila