This Week in SCOHA - March 16th, 2022

Per Darren Dreger of TSN, he believes there are going to be many upsets this year as SCOHA approaches playoff-time. Masters Division regular season is wrapped up while the other 2 divisons are just playing things out before their 2nd season begins. Masters Jim Albanese is going to come back from Florida more dark than a forgotten grilled cheese on the stove. He is almost out of coconut oil so he will be asking anyone to put some Noxema on his back to help soothe the burn. Meanwhile, Bruins captain Gord Bryce is looking forward to Shen Yun returning to Hamilton Place but will not miss any games.

JUNIOR DIVISION: FRIDAY

OILERS 3 REDWINGS 2: I was one of the lucky ones to get a ticket for this game off Stubhub. Paid a bit too much but was well worth it. Oiler’s goaltender Scott “the knees are sore but I am on the “Menzies had a game for the ages. Opposing players congratulated him at the buzzer for an amazing game as he turned aside 14 shots in the final few minutes to preserve the win. Oilers captain and GM Steve Ditta built this team from scratch. The league gave him some 2x4’s, nails and some drywall to work with but he created a high-powered offensive team any fan would dream about at night. This game was more exciting than the Leon’s Spring Mattress sale if you were in the mood for a new mattress. Oiler’s Ross LaCasse scored the game winner for the winning side.

BRUINS 6 FLYERS 4: Flyers were down 7 guys. Did the Zamboni throw on his twirlers and play? Good greef. I’m not the only guy who gave these guys praise for a close game while missing more than half their bench. The Bruins are just too good. Jeff “Hollywood” Davis had a hat trick, and Dino Laporta potted a hatty as well. Stick tap to timekeeper Chelsea Taylor who has some pretty neat penmanship. Rumour has it she practices her fours and nines a few nights per week to keep them neat.

JUNIOR DIVISION: SUNDAY matinee action

FLYERS 6 REDWINGS 0: The Redwings went down like a fat kid on a see saw, folks. 6-0 whitewash thanks to the Flyers who came to the rink pretty sour after Friday night’s loss. We spoke to Flyers blueliner Blaine Betzold after the game and he said the game was nuttier than a pecan pie. The Redwings want to hold this game under water until the bubbles stop. Captain Mike Haslam scored 2 for the winners while Ryan Haslam scored 1 and added 2 apples. Rookie goaltender Kyle Gudgeon was called up before the game and posted the shutout. The newspapers are going on and on like a soup and sandwich about how well Gudgeon is playing in the minors. This caught the eye of Flyers management. Good call-up.

OILERS 6 BRUINS 4: The Oilers are rolling right over the league right now. Steve Ditta scored a pair, including the game winner as the Oilers topped the Bruins 6-4. Ditta said after the game, “You know what, wins are a piece of art, you don’t hang them all in the living room, some go in the basement.” A win is a win, they will take it and move on to the next game. Bruin’s Luca LaPorta scored a pair in a losing cause but vow’s his Bruins will easily win the cup.. Shots fired, all units respond.

INTERMEDIATE DIVISION:

BRUINS 8 CANADIENS 5: Canadiens captain Mike Miscio ripped up this game sheet like a bad report card. An agonizing 8-5 loss to their rival Bruins didn’t sit well. Bruins were missing 6 players but 3 fill-ins played pretty well. Dave Mercer, seeing his first Intermediate action this year, scored a hatty and Bill Innes (and Gunn) added a pair for the B’s. Habs Marco Berube seems to be scoring every damn game, something to take note of as we start the playoffs in a few weeks.

FLYERS 6 BLACKHAWKS 6: Flyers Jim Marentette plays the game with an edge, folks. When he plays Grand Theft Auto, he throws the controller when he loses. Another 2 goals as the Flyers grabbed a big point on the road against the Hawks. Shawn James scored 2 for the Hawks who were missing 4 due to the outdoor game or the spring bulb show down at Gage Park. Thanks to all the fill-ins last weekend, without you… well without you, you wouldn’t have played.

MASTERS DIVISION:

STARS 2 SHARKS 2: A shark cannot leap that far out of the water to bite a star, it’s a proven point. Stars Chris Barratto is all set for the playoffs, dammit. The 56 year old sniper can still tear up the ice despite nipple hair poking through his Under Armour collared shirt. It refuses to slow him down. He will be playing the game we love for many seasons to go. Barratto scored one of the best goals of the season and it’s NUFD (not up for discussion).

REDWINGS 2 BRUINS 1: The only way a team can defend Dave Armstrong correctly is if he is a scratch from the lineup. Armstrong was at the outdoor Leaf game cheering on his Sabres to victory. Meanwhile, back at the Mohawk 4 ice centre, his team fell 2-1 to the surging Redwings. Steve “LED incandescent” Watt scored the game winner for the Redwings who are my pick to do some damage in the playoffs. Again, NUFD. Bruins Bob Tirnanic scored a Rick Vaive-like goal for the Bruins, darting down the right wing even though he was supposed to be on the left side. Great game by both goalies in this one!

BLACKHAWKS 7 FLYERS 5: Lots of scoring this week eh fellas! The Hawks put the Flyers on the bbq at 475 with the lid closed and they even hung the tongs on the handle to show off. Nick Miscione and Mike Haslam both scored a pair while Ed “the Snake” Venema scored a razzle-dazzler for the winners. Flyers cagey veteran Kelly Rintjema recorded his 18th career hat trick in a losing cause. Dale Brons scored his first goal in a while because the only way he makes this silly blog is if he scores so there!

KINGS 7 FLAMES 4: Kings Paul Opie was absolutely built in a laboratory in Wuhan, China and programmed to play hockey at more than a medium pace. He scored 4 goals to lift the Kings to a 7-4 drubbing of the Flames. Guy “try the new Gilette Lab razor with exfoliating tab” Shaver scored a big goal for his hockey club that brought all 8 fans to their feet. Dom Chiarini can shoot the puck, fellas. He scored a complete laser beam from outer space. I’m going to toast a couple chilly ones to that goal.

A few late-game heroics in the Kings crease by Joe LoCiccero to seal up the win and ship it off to the sorting hub before reaching its eventual destination.

Ok, I am all out of time. There’s a lot of players playing for a contract next season. TV crews are lining up to catch a glimpse of our SCOHA heroes. Let’s hope we can all avoid the injury bug and have a great end to the season because next season with be even better! Start spreading the word about our league, fellas, let’s get more teams in each division so we don’t have to face off against that same guy all the damn time!

Enjoy the rest of the week, gang. See you all at the rink this weekend! Happy St.Paddy’s Day. “Whale Oil Beef Hooked” (said fast like an Irishman)

Chris Marttila

SCOHA E-Columnist