This Week in SCOHA – March 21st, 2020

PHYSICAL DISTANCING EDITION (formerly social distancing, formerly get the F away from me, you creep.)

SCOHA 2019/2020

Now that 10% of us have hit rock bottom and have started doing puzzles, it’s time for an update on what we believe many of you are up to as we crawl through this pandemic salivating for the smell of Zamboni fumes and Joe Lociccero’s Rub A535 knee ointment. Oh, and don’t worry, we will have a Guy Shaver update…

League is at more of a standstill than a concrete fence post. The whole shebang is chained up as there is no light at the end of the tunnel any time soon. Players are growing beards just because. Masters division grit-grinder Ed Walton is going to grow a covid beard starting next week. He will give the ZZ Top beards a run for their money… Stars Chris Barratto is learning quilting after the magnets wore out on his electronic dart board.

Injury Updates: Players are healing well during these bleak times. Masters Dave Armstrong’s previous bad ankle is now stronger than the good one. When we return, he will be the fastest at skating in a left direction. At last count, 56 players groins are now feeling about 85% thanks to the layoff. Intermediate Penguins Bob Tenison’s shoulder is feeling better by the day. He is throwing paper airplanes with no discomfort but can only fly them in one room, not into another until Trudeau lifts the ban. Junior division Pens fill-in Glenn Rouse is practicing his breakaways on his driveway but his cat keeps taking the tennis ball away from him.

Meanwhile, a lot of players are taking the time off to work at returning a better player. Masters Sharks hero and exercise enthusiast Larry Litzgus suggests 15 toe touches and side twists to burn off the Taco Bell triple decker burritos we believe many are inhaling while binge watching all 40 seasons of Survivor before things get back to normal.

As promised, here is the Guy Shaver arena parking lot update brought to you by Coleman stoves. Too bad he got all the way there but forgot the gas cylinder. Guy is hanging in there. The hourly bus driver has stopped opening the front door to say hi but has decided a safer head nod hello will suffice. Guy has been keeping busy with sidewalk chalk art. Things were going great until it heavy downpours wiped away about 34 buildings he had drawn. 12 people also drowned in the whitewash, 4 are barely still there but it doesn’t look good. Guy is crushing Michelob Ultradaddies to stay in shape. Hourly wind sprints and waving to fellow Scoha passerby’s are keeping his arms in tip top strength. 

So there you have it, gang. Nothing really happening. Some players still haven’t aired out their gear since last game so there’s a chore you and your wife will appreciate. My cat Nuffers sneezed the other night so she is in isolation until April 3rd if anyone gives a care on how she is doing.

Hope everyone is finding something to do. Sportsnet is showing a few hockey movies starting at 7pm tonight, 7pm is Mr. Hockey, the Gordie Howe Story and at 9pm Goalie: The Story of Terry Sawchuk.

Hey, it’s something….

Chris Marttila

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