This Week in SCOHA – January 14th, 2020

Winter is coming folks, and so is the freezing cold hockey bags because the mrs won’t let you bring your bag inside. My gloves smell like a bad batch of broccoli sometimes so this could be bad news for anyone in my locker room…  At any rate, let’s unglue the week that was in Scohaville.

JUNIOR DIVISION:

FLYERS 4 PENGUINS 1: Flyers Mark Powell turned the light on twice and added an assist as the Flyers put a cap on the Pens 4-1. This Powell kid has performed well this season. His goals are always top cheese. Makes you want to go down to Little Caesars and order 3 packs of cheese bread. Big win for the Flyers who now sit 1 point behind the Redwings for first place.

OILERS 2 REDWINGS 1: Legions of Oiler fans made the trip out for this one. Oilers hung on to a 2-1 victory thanks to a pair of sniped from Steve Ditta. He could’ve had the hatty but he just couldn’t get the puck to sit for the lacrosse style goal. Kyle Miobertallo, say that name fast 3 times, added an assist on both Oiler goals as their fans went home happy. Oilers defence is playing like a trump wall right now, limiting scoring chances and playing physical around their net. Goalie Joan “Lakeshore” Weston has been stalwart in the crease lately.

BLACKHAWKS 5 BRUINS 2: Ron Cybalski scored 2 goals Brett “St. Lawrence” Rivers filled the sheet with 3 helpers as the Hawks beat up the Bruins 5-2. Hawks are now only 2 points back of the Bruins with no games in hand. Hawks goalie John Ricard did everything but replace the aluminum siding on the arena, steering aside 32 shots for the big win. Reporters were locked out of the Bruins locker room afterwards as players got out the whiteboard and went over strategies. Later they realized they were using a permanent marker.

INTERMEDIATE DIVISION:

LEAFS 8 FLYERS 3: My Flyers got waffled by the Leafs 8-3. Newcomer Dave Kat and Jason Aguanno both scored twice  and Steve Cromwell tallied 3 assists for the Leafs as the Flyers woes continued. Leafs had spare goalie Etienne Venne between the pipes for this one. The Flyers are wondering “Venne” they will win another game. Stick tap to Jason Hoffman who dropped a deuce in a losing cause.

CANADIENS 5 BRUINS 5: Bruins were licking their lips before the game when they found out Habs goalie Bill Templeman forgot his damn skates and they had to sign Masters division goalie Ed “ Cow jumped over the” Mooney to a 1 day contract. Both teams went out there and lit the lights. Make the final 5-5 as Canadiens Bill “Holy Moly” Foley scored a pair and 5 different players replied for the Bruins. Habs Jim Marentette, let’s stop for a sec and yap about this guy. He can win a faceoff with one of my dad’s black socks covering his eyes, his pre-game meal is a glass of Countrytime Lemonade with a grill cheese, and he enjoys reading and slow walks on the beach. Jim added 3 assists to help out his team and took home the game puck.

BLACKHAWKS 4 PENGUINS 2: Get lost! Brock Hotrum’s pregame can of orange Fanta paid off as he scored the eventual game winner as the Hawks surprised the Penguins 4-2. Al Granata, our home and native land, added 2 assists as the Hawks are starting to roll out like a red carpet at one of those stupid award shows the wives make us sit through. The Penguins players refused comment after the game so reporters ended up interviewing the girl behind the desk in the lobby. Turns out she doesn’t even like hockey and the smells make her nautious.

MASTERS DIVISION:

REDWINGS 6 FLYERS 3: Ed “Shaky” Walton ate a meatball sub with onions before the game and kept belching it on the damn bench. His team kept double-shifting him so they would’nt have to smell it. With said extra ice time, he scored 2 goals to lift the Wings over the Flyers 6-3. Redwings John Hewitt scored 1 and added 3 assists for the Wings who are in the mix of a log jammed Masters division race. 3 points separate 5 teams, more see saws than a see saw festival. Pat Sergi scored a pair of clappers for the Flyers who are just a few wins away from joining the group of 5 teams previously mentioned.

STARS 5 SHARKS 4: Dale Brons scored 2 highlight reel goals that he will be playing back on his Betamax for a while and defenceman Al Oddie put the puck right through the net as the Stars avoided the Sharks 5-4 as seen on Sportsnet’s Hometown Hockey game of the week. Sharks Denis “Don’t Call Me Marcel” Dion scored a goal then hopped on the glass to celebrate with fans chanting his name.

FLAMES 3 BRUINS 2: Jason Anderson scored a pair of beauts as the Flames held on for a 3-2 win over the big bad Bruins. The Bruins were out hustled along the board for the first time this season. They blamed poor ice conditions as the Zamboni driver missed a stripe. No penalties were called so both teams went upstairs for a glass of milk to celebrate. Both goalies stood on their ear lobes or this score would’ve been much higher.

KINGS 4 BLACKHAWKS 3: Gary Guthro added 2 goals for insurance as his Kings defeated the Blackhawks 4-3. Kings goalie Scott Johnson swears by a can of cola inbetween periods. He feels he needs that extra boost before starting the 2nd half of the game and also looks up to the stands while chugging it for a quick photo op. Blackhawks Paul Buzzelli was a bee out there, scoring a honey of a goal in a losing cause.

 Well that puts a wrap on another week that was in the #1 voted best men's hockey league in Ontario voted by our players. Heavy snowfall coming this weekend so Masters Sharks Larry Litzgus won’t be able to jog to the rink with his hockey bag and stick over his shoulders. Have a good week and keep your damn stick on the ice.

 Chris Marttila