This Week in SCOHA – March 5th, 2019

Playoffs have arrived

My hip is still sore from falling off the edge of my sofa. Tore through 2 bags of popcorn watching some crazy playoff hockey over the weekend. Pretty close games, no one got their lunches eaten which makes for more fans and tv ratings. Let’s get right to it....



REDWINGS 3 PENGUINS 2: Ryan “A5-35” Aikens drank 2 Jolt Cola’s and a Red Bull. We had to call Binbrook Fire to cool him off after the game. He even scored a shorty (not what my wife said). Redwings surprise the Penguins 3-2. Wings goalie Lane Dunlop (no relation to Charlestown Chiefs player/coach Reggie Dunlop) saved everything. Hell, this guy could’ve saved my parents marriage for crying out loud... ok maybe not but he would sure try. Close game that had everyone in the stands on their feet for the most part.


FLYERS 2 BLACKHAWKS 2: 8 more minutes of these teams going back and forth would’ve made for some great tv. Both goalies stood on their ears if that’s even possible. Flyers Walt Blagdon brought his usual bag of snakes, scoring a goal and helping out on another. This guy must eat kale and spinach while tying up his twirlers before the game. Hawks Nick Troback forgot to slip the refs a 5-spot before the game, sat in the sin bin twice.


OILERS 6 BRUINS 3: Serving 5 minors and still winning a game is as rare as oyster mushrooms. That’s what the Oil did on this night. Jay “Big Play” Dimitroff dropped a deuce for the winners as they snuck by the Bruins 6-5. More back and forth’s than a ping pong game or a table tennis game, same thing...

Both teams spread the scoring around like a basement party at Cheech & Chong's place. We love the high scoring games but the coaches don’t.



BRUINS 2 PENGUINS 1: Bruins Glenn Rouse scored the game winner, took home the game puck and is proudly displaying it on the mantle. Bruins squeaked one out 2-1 in a pretty intense playoff game for the ages. Bruins’ goalkeeper James Fielding calls his goal crease the Field of Dreams. He turned the Penguins shooters into a cellphone and pocket dialed the cop shop for robbery to preserve the victory.


BLACKHAWKS 4 CANADIENS 1: 2 power play goals and an empty netter, sounds like a good name for a band. Hawks goalie Steve Cuthbert is playing dirty. So dirty, not even Mens 3 in 1 Axe body wash could clean it up. Imagine thinking one type of body wash can do 3 different types of washing. You gotta be an impressive idiot to fall for that.  Anyways, Canadiens remained on the ice after the game as captain Mike Miscio had his team doing wind sprints until they threw up to show them how bad he wants to win the cup. Watch for a different Habs team next time out.


LEAFS 4 FLYERS 1. Bob Tenison and his grade A grass fed burger passes set up 2 goals as the leafs beat my Flyers 4-1. Bill Templeman and Tymen Edelkoort made 88 saves each but Leafs Alan “pickled” Heron found the twine twice for the winners. Game was closer than Ernie & Bert for the most part before the Leafs scored 3 in the final frame to preserve the W.



BLACKHAWKS 4 FLAMES 4: This game had potential to be a bit spicy. Announced attendance was 8. 8 different scorers found the sheet as hawks clawed back from a 3-1 deficit to tie the game. Flames Peter Fantazzo controlled the game. Carved up the ice like Tony Hawk’s skateboard in an empty pool. Both teams had the ice packs out after this one, great playoff intensity.


SHARKS 4 FLYERS 0: Sharks’ Mark Shadwell re-taped his twig before this one, went out there and scored 2 goals, added an assist, then drove the team bus home. Wily veteran goaltender Richard Paquet stopped all 36 shots for the bagel , ate the puck after the game to prove a point. Flyers didn’t allow reporters into the room afterwards as they had a players only meeting to get the ship turned around in a hurry. Expect a better outcome next time, I predict it right now.


REDWINGS 4 BRUINS 1: 4 different players scored for the Wings as they took off against the powerful Bruins 4-1. Scott Johnson turned away 32 shots for the win between the wickets for a hungry Wings team. Vince Mercuri continues his out of this world play, scoring another goal for the winners. Reporters overheard Scott Johnson’s ghetto blaster playing old Scorpions and Helix music before the game to get his team prepared. Big Win. Bruins will be playing some desperate hockey next time out to keep their season alive.


KINGS 4 STARS 2: Kings Joe”Thank you very “Muchynski was a man with a mission out there. This guy ate half a damn lasagna 2 hours before boarding the team bus. Windows were open the whole way to the rink. He made amends by scoring 2 big goals as the Kings shot down the Stars 4-2. Stars’ Chris Baratto was unavailable for comment after the game. He was upset with his pre-game submarine sandwich, they forgot the mustard and he asked for no onions. No one sat beside him on the bench, apparently he will be writing a letter to the sub shop.


Well that washes our hands of a crazy weekend of ice hockey at the ol’ quad pad. Junior playoffs continue Friday evening while the other 2 divisions have the weekend off. Time to heal some playoff wounds and get ready for the final push. Enjoy the rest of the week, Keep your damn stick on the ice, fellas.


Chris Marttila

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